hypertoast

“So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri, Et Fili, Spiritus Sancti.”

Anyone who knows me knows that I love The Boondock Saints. This could possibly be the first movie in a list of my top ten movies in my Elite collection but that list will have to wait for another time. For those of you who don’t know about this cult classic gem, this is a story about two Irish brothers trying to earn a living (and another round of drinks at the local pub) in Boston. After standing up to the Russian Mafia and their strong-arm tactics at their pub, they believe that they receive a “mission from God” to destroy all of those that threaten the good in all men. What ensues is a bloody battle to rid the Mafia from the streets of Boston. Before I get too excited and ruin the plot of the movie lets get to the fucking list.

1. St. Patrick’s Day in Boston

As one of the MacManus brothers puts it “It’s St. Patrick’s Day, everybody’s Irish”. What better way to spend your St. Patrick’s Day then with a very large crowd of Irish folk (and wannabe Irish folk) in Boston getting drunk and beating up your friendly neighborhood Mafioso.

2. Willem Dafoe

Willem Dafoe plays FBI Special Agent Paul Smecker who is responsible for solving the supposed mob war murder of two local mafia grunts and soon discovers that it was actually two irish brothers acting in self defense. His performace in the movie is nothing short of amazing as he battles over whether he should arrest the MacManus brothers for their crimes or join them in their righteous cause.

3. Exploding Cat

Shortly after successfully completing a “mission” the MacManus brothers and their friend Rocco are drinking and celebrating at Rocco’s druggie bitch’s apartment. After getting worked up about their future plans Rocco slams his hands on the table setting off a gun and exploding a cat sitting in front of the muzzle eliminating all 9 lives with one bullet.

4. Slo-mo Action Scene

Now this could be seen as a plus or a negative. Almost every “hit” scene in the movie plays out like a dramatic scene from Baywatch only without the skimpy bikinis….or great ample talent…maybe it can only be seen as a negative. No wait, David Hasselhoff isn’t in this movie so it’s all a plus. Most of these “hit” scenes is shown in slo-mo to show how it is possible for two bumbling brothers to take out multiple Mafia leaders.

5. Guns, Guns, Guns…and, oh yeah, MORE GUNS

When it is just you and your brother going up against the Russian Mafia you are going to need a lot of weaponry…and rope.

6. Russian Mafia

I dare you to mention one movie that includes any form of Mafia (Russian, Italian, Irish, etc.) that isn’t instantly cool (don’t you dare mention Analyze This…or That). Ok…I dare you not to mention three movies that include the mafia that isn’t instantly cool.

7. Household Surgery

When you set off to kill the mafia you are bound to get maimed and I can’t think of a better buzz -kill then going to the hospital and having to answer a lot of questions as to why your finger got shot off. Besides everyone knows that real men heal minor gunshot wounds with a pair of pliers and a clothing iron.

8. Actual Justice

Since this movie centers on the idea that the entire American judicial system has failed and God has put the position of Judge, Jury and Executioner in the hands of these brothers you know they need to show them succede where the previous police work has failed on many occasions. I personally agree with seeking justice outside of the lawful (see corrupt) system.

9. Everyday Men turned into Extraordinary Heroes

I loved how two simple brothers living in a crumbling slum manage to become saviors to a city. It is especially awesome to see how they fuck up every time the set out to accomplish something but still manage to complete the mission (see Divine Intervention)

10. Il Duce (played by Billy Connolly)

In the movie Il Duce is a hired hitman that has worked for the mafia cleaning up every mess as effortlessly as taking out the trash. The best part is he is able to kill everything in his path and his is 60 years old. I do not want to meet this man at my local Hometown Buffet.

And that’s it for now. Stay tuned for more movie reviews and random rants.